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Monthly Archives: April 2012

Crossing Boundaries

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POSTED ON: Apr 28 2012  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Better Sex, Boundaries & Taboos, Communication, Loveology University
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Boundaries are acts and activities that establish our comfort zones. Having boundaries gives us self-value and respect. Communicating boundaries to your partner lets them know your limitations and deal breakers. It can be a powerful form of communication between couples that can result in a deeper level of intimacy. Maintaining boundaries contributes to feeling safe and grounded. Boundaries can be defined by gender, sexual orientation and proclivities. Boundaries can also change depending on context, age and opportunities.

So identify your own boundaries and then share them with your partner before they become violated. After all, you can’t blame someone for crossing a boundary that they didn’t know existed.

I tell my clients to create a “Boundary Box” to be aware of and share physical, emotional and sexual boundaries with their partner.

Here’s how:

Write down all of your boundaries on separate pieces of paper or index cards and fill a box with them.  Below are some examples of physical, emotional and sexual boundaries.

Physical boundaries: I have the right to determine when, where, how, and who is going to touch me. I have the right to determine how close someone is going to stand next to me.

  • Don’t touch my butt in public
  • I won’t hug people I don’t know
  • Don’t make out with me in the movies
  • Brush your teeth before you kiss me in the morning
  • I will leave you if you raise your hand to me
  • I won’t kiss people I just met, even on the cheek
  • I won’t dance with anyone I don’t intend to have sex with

Emotional boundaries: What I think or feel or do or don’t do is more about me than it is about you. Conversely, what you think and feel or do or don’t do is more about you than it is about me.

  • Don’t talk about our sex life in public
  • Don’t compare me to other lovers
  • Don’t talk about past relationships
  • Don’t kiss strangers hello or goodbye
  • Don’t flirt with other people
  • Introduce me when we see someone I don’t know
  • I’ll leave you if I find out you’ve been unfaithful

Sexual boundaries: I have the right to determine with whom, where, when and how I am going to be sexual with someone

  • No anal sex
  • I won’t swallow (semen from ejaculation)
  • I don’t want to kiss you after you’ve given me oral sex
  • I don’t want to have a threesome or group sex
  • Don’t go right for my breasts or between my legs
  • I won’t have sex with you when you are watching porn
  • I won’t wait until you have your orgasm to have mine

Why it works: Because if you don’t know what your boundaries are, then you cannot express them or blame your partner for overstepping them.

Caution: Ignored boundaries can be very damaging and you should seek professional help from a sex therapist, counselor or sexologist.

Check out this a link to an original online survey on sexual boundaries with over 1000 participants who explored the social and emotional context for the engagement of sexual boundaries. Particular focus was directed to the intersection between low sexual desire and appetite for sexual novelty.

https://www.loveologyuniversity.com/LUPages/surveys.aspx

Pheromone Power

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POSTED ON: Apr 22 2012  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Aphrodisiacs, Better Sex
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Have you ever been drawn to someone whose smell was intoxicating and you just couldn’t stop thinking about them? That’s called, chemical attraction and is caused by our natural pheromones that are secreted from our glands, which send signals to trigger specific mating responses in our brain. They are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage known as VMO, then send messages to the brain to interpret signals that can include fertility, confidence, sexual attraction, trustworthiness and even success or power. Consequently, pheromones can produce overwhelming attraction, even when the physical attributes are lacking.

Our natural gender specific pheromones include Androstenone associated with alpha male sexual tension, Androstenedione, a chemical found in sweat, Androstenol, the female pheromone associated with romantic interest and Copulines, the female pheromone released during ovulation that has been shown to increase male testosterone.

Pheromones are emitted from our sweat glands, pulse points and anywhere that we have hair, so you can release attraction-boosting signals by going commando, not showering right after exercising and by not wearing deodorant or fragrances that will mask your natural scent. I’m not suggesting that you don’t maintain good hygiene, but bathing with warm water while cutting down on soap will wash off fewer of your body’s pheromones. You can also enhance your pheromones by eating foods high in zinc such as oysters and other fresh seafood aphrodisiacs known to increase testosterone in men and women.

Independent studies have been conducted at leading universities worldwide, such as Stanford University, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of Chicago and the Karolinska Institute, one of Sweden’s oldest medical schools have shown that pheromones do have a profound effect on human behavior.

Orgasm Workouts

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POSTED ON: Apr 10 2012  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Better Sex, Loveology University, The Big O
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During workouts some women have reported having exercise-induced orgasms. And they were not doing vagina aerobics to strengthen their pelvic muscles. Butt builder exercises like squats and lunges caused an increase in tension in their lower extremities that lead to the release of orgasms. Even more surprising were Coregasms from working out the abs while doing crunches and hanging leg raises. More predictable were women who admitted they felt aroused when they rolled on top of  a large exercise ball. So with these reports, it’s no wonder that researchers  Debra Herbenick and Dennis Fortenberry decided to conduct an anonymous survey to find out how many women had experienced orgasm, and what types of exercise were likely to elicit such a response. Of the 530 participants surveyed, 124 women did in fact experience exercise-induced orgasm and 246 reported exercise-induced sexual pleasure from an array of physical exercises that included using the “Captain’s Chair” – an ab strengthener, doing chin-ups, climbing poles, biking and even weight lifting. Less likely activities to result in orgasm on the survey were swimming, running and tennis.

Becoming aware that women can orgasm by exercising is a good enough reason to make working out a regular ritual. Taking care of your body inside and out can increase confidence, release feel-good endorphins and improve overall mental, physical, emotional and sexual health. If you don’t have a gym membership, you can still get on the orgasm workout bandwagon by doing your crunches at home. Adding some Kegel exercises to your fitness regiment is my advice to trigger those nerve impulses in the pelvic area and feel orgasmic sensations. Kegels are exercise techniques for strengthening these muscles to increase blood flow, tighten the vagina, improve bladder control,  increase orgasmic ability and even enable female ejaculation during orgasm. Empower your sexuality by exercising your sexual support muscles, which I like to refer to as vagina aerobics that you can do anytime, anywhere and nobody will know why you look so happy!

The survey report on exercise-induced orgasms is published in a special issue of Sexual and Relationship Therapy, a leading peer-reviewed journal in the area of sex therapy and sexual health. Co-author is J. Dennis Fortenberry, M.D., professor at the IU School of Medicine and Center for Sexual Health Promotion affiliate.