POSTED ON: Dec 07 2009 •
I want to show you a peek into some of my client’s issues from sexual fears to fetishes. In all of the cases, the names and peripheral details were changed to protect the privacy of the clients to ensure their anonymity.
How it all started
It was my destiny to become a sexologist. I was raised by nuns who drilled negative messages about sex into my mind, so I grew up feeling shameful about my body and guilty about sex. After continuous unhealthy relationships, I stopped dating to find out as much as I could about love and sex so that I could find myself a healthy relationship. Then I realized this was my life’s mission to dedicate my life to helping others overcome guilt and shame. Now I’m thankful to the nuns because I am happily married and sex has become my favorite habit!
Who goes to a sexologist
I counsel singles, couples, even triads with concerns that range from lack of communication to lack of desire, fear of having sex to fear of commitment, premature ejaculation to inability to orgasm. It’s all in a days’ work and a very fulfilling one I might add.
What I love about being a sexologist
What I love about my profession is being able to save people’s relationships, what is most challenging is that I can’t help everyone, especially when clients say they want help, but they won’t do anything to change their destructive behavior, like the movie star client well known for his sexual compulsion who hit on me, I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore and referred him to a male sex therapist.
Couples who seek help
It’s usually the woman who convinces her man to go for counseling because men don’t want to admit when something isn’t working properly. This one young couple came to see me right after their honeymoon. Aliza and Simon waited to have sexual intercourse until after they were married, but the problem was when they did try to do it on their wedding night, it didn’t fit. That’s right, his penis did not fit into her vagina because he was too big and they were devastated. In my office I pulled out a half a dozen dildos of different sizes in length and girth and asked Simon to show me how big he was. He pointed to a 7” dildo with a wide girth that barely fit in one hand and looked apologetic. “Was he crazy?” I thought, most women would give anything for a package that size, but I turned my attention to the Aliza and told her she had nothing to worry about. After all if a baby could pop out of her vagina, then Simon’s penis could certainly get inside. I sent them home with various lubricants and a range of dildos from small, medium to large so that she and her vagina could get used to them.
What you get for your money
I charge $300 an hour so most clients will confess their problem to me right away to get their monies worth. They get plenty of take-home value including complimentary workbooks and appropriate products. I don’t believe in long term counseling so it’s rare that I see a client more than 6 times.
Where I get my clients
Most of my clients hear about me from their doctors, nurses, publicists and referral sites because I am able to help my clients 90% of the time with practical solutions that I have developed.
Even supermodels have sex issues
Karen was surprised at how quickly she was able to have an orgasm for the first time with a man after coming to see me for one session. A stunning swimsuit model had a hard time loving herself, especially her vagina which she was convinced was ugly and smelly. It did not take long to discover that Karen had never explored the inside of her body. I explained most women are unaware that by having these inhibitions it can actually prevent them from relaxing enough to reach an orgasm. After a female anatomy and empowerment session, I told Karen to go home and explore her own body inside and out, then perform the taste and smell test on herself. I gave her a vibrator to use for masturbation so the next time she is with her partner, she can surrender herself to the pleasure and take full responsibility for her own orgasm. Karen sent me flowers with a note that said, Thanks for the Big O, you are my Hero!
Some clients are confused between a Sexologist and a Sex Surrogate so when they come in for a session, they expect to have sex with me. I let them know that there is no nudity or sexual touching in my office. Most clients respond apologetically, but one body-builder client had the balls to ask, “Can I just masturbate in front of you then?” I could hardly keep a straight face before I said in my most stern voice, “No, absolutely not.” Then he settled down and confessed that he was afraid his erections did not last long enough. I asked how long he lasted and to my surprise, he said about a half hour. A ton of young male patients come in because they want to stay erect longer without taking Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. I teach them some penis exercises (to do at home) to help them with their sexual endurance, but only after I reveal that most women don’t want or need penetration for a half an hour.
I can’t say that I’ve ever been shocked, but I have heard some unusual confessions from clients such as Lance, a 23 year old computer geek who was in love with his dog (people who have sex with animals are called zoophiles); who came to see me with his mixed breed mutt Max because he just wanted me to give him permission. He was an anti-social guy who had no desire to be with a woman or a man and Max gave him unconditional love. How could I possibly disappoint him?
Another client who wanted permission to fulfill his fantasies was a 26 year old Hollywood Rock Star wannabe called Rob who loved kissing, sniffing, licking, and caressing women’s feet. Foot fetish is such a big fad that its slang term is “Shrimping” because naked toes can look like shrimp, if you use your imagination!
Cross Dressing is a popular fetish especially in Hollywood and I have several male clients who get sexually aroused by wearing women’s lingerie, but they are still completely heterosexual.
Diaper Fetish is less common, so when Sam, the burly Body Guard came to see me to find out if he was normal pretending to be a diaper wearing infant with his girlfriend acting as his caregiver, I simply responded, “If you are both agreeable to the fantasy, having a good time and nobody is getting hurt, then it is normal for the two or you.” He left with a big smile on his face and I felt good liberating him to enjoy his sexual preferences with someone who shared them.
Kinky fantasies are often associated more with men than women, but women feel comfortable around me and have confessed their deepest darkest confessions including Emma, President of a Forbes 500 company who was into BDSM (an all encompassing acronym for sexual power play). She liked to be punished and being tied in a corner was a physical punishment that also left her feeling psychologically punished (rejected, abandoned, and isolated). Her problem was finding men who could handle her kind of sex without being judgmental towards her. I encouraged her to explore her sexual boundaries so that she would be able to communicate her limits to partners. Then I suggested she join a BDSM Club where she could meet like-minded people.
Some women seek help because they are afraid of the fantasies their partners want them to indulge in such as 33 year old Marci who dragged her boyfriend Phil to see me. She was so nervous that you would never have guessed she was an Acting Coach. She couldn’t even say what she was thinking so Phil, her trainer and lover blurted out, “I like Golden Showers.” (That’s sexual arousal by urinating on their partner). “She wants to know if it’s unhealthy or dangerous?” he asked. I assured her that with proper precaution, these golden showers were fair game. I suggested performing them while in the shower or tub because it is less messy and provides an opportunity to scrub your partner down in return afterwards. However, it is important to note that urine is a carrier of STD’s so they needed to ensure they did not have any gashes or cuts on their body and should consider being tested for such diseases. Marci looked relieved and Phil looked delighted as they left. “That’s the best $300.00 I’ve spent” he exclaimed as he slapped a check in my hand.
Since sex is our second basic instinct after survival, it can have a great impact on our lives even when we least expect it. I remember a woman who came to see me because she had an orgasm every time she smelled cinnamon. Sarah, a TV producer in her mid thirties discovered under one of my hypnosis sessions that she had a traumatic sexual experience in a bakery when she was a young teen, which was why cinnamon triggered her orgasms. Through more hypnosis she was able to resist the aroma of cinnamon and control her orgasms so that she could have them at a more appropriate and suitable time. This created closure for Sarah who had involuntary orgasms for the past 20 years and had no idea what had caused them.
A recent happy ending was when Emily, a woman age 37, married for three years suffering from vaginal pain during intercourse came to see me. She had been examined by her gynecologist who found no physical evidence such as vaginitis, Vaginismus, vaginal agenesis or cysts to support her pain. His diagnosis was that Emily’s pain was psychological.
I suggested that Emily bring her husband, Ryan to the session because I find it helpful to observe the verbal interaction and body language of couples I am counseling. Besides, her problem did affect their relationship and he should be part of the solution process.
I discovered that they had a mismatched sex drive and that Emily felt like she was under constant pressure to have sex. Eventually, she just clamped up and so did her vaginal muscles as a form of defense.
In my office, I encouraged Emily and Ryan to do some Sensate Focus (Non-sexual exercises for couples which encourage each partner to take turns paying increased attention to their own senses) on each other’s hands and face Emily was able to experience receiving touch without any sexual agenda. For their homework, I gave them eye-gazing, synchronized breathing and non-sexual massage exercises that would create deeper intimacy without focusing on the goal of intercourse or orgasm. It was up to Emily to let Ryan know when she was ready to have intercourse.
A week later, Emily called to let me know that they were experiencing a deeper heart connection and to her delight, Ryan was being more romantic. During sexual intercourse, she did not experience the kind of pain she had before. On a scale of 1 to 10, her discomfort level was now between a 1 and a 2 instead of an 8 or higher. She ended the call by thanking me for saving her marriage.
Its calls like these that make me feel validated and grateful that I have found my life’s mission, being a sexologist.