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Category Archives: Love

Renewing Intimacy After Illness

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POSTED ON: May 21 2013  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Better Sex, Communication, Couples Enrichment, Disabilities & Intimacy, Intimacy, Love
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Anyone who has suffered from illness knows that feeling of helplessness and —- fear of a future without intimacy.  While such fears may compel you to push away the person you love the most, it may not dawn on you that this could be an opportunity to enhance  intimacy  between yourself and your partner. Most couples  who really love each other discover that their love grows stronger and their passion deeper after trauma because they no longer take each other for granted. They fall back in love and want to treasure every moment. This is the time to start re-creating romantic memories together, to say and do all the things you never  did before.

I recently connected with Rabbi Dr. Ed Weinsberg (Ed.D., D.D.) who is a prostate cancer survivor, healthcare educator, intimacy coach, certified sexuality counselor and author. We discovered that we had a lot in common, including our passion to help individuals and couples renew personal relationships disrupted by cancer, other major illnesses, and treatment side effects. Guided by Rabbi Ed’s heart-centered coaching, men and women learn to reignite intimacy physically, emotionally and spiritually — loving and living with renewed joy.

It’s, my pleasure to share Rabbi Ed’s advice on how you and your partner can get your sexual life back despite your illness:

1.         Decide to “make love,” rather than “have sex.”

Physical intimacy can help a man or woman offset some of their frustrations when one or both have a sexual dysfunction that prevents intercourse or orgasm. To offset this, recognize that orgasm is possible for many, although not everyone, even when  men can’t have erections due to ED or women have female sexual dysfunctions (FSD).

Don’t insist that your manhood is exclusively based on your capacity for intercourse. Instead of sexual intercourse, make bonding with your partner your main objective. It’s understandable that losing sexual functioning can lead to a sense of emasculation as a man or deficiency as a woman. Still, if you accept that “making love” rather than “having sex” is at the core of your most intimate moments, you may find increasing sexual satisfaction. This is not a question of semantics, but a way to reframe what intimacy is all about.

2.      Focus on different body sensations before engaging in intercourse, using the S-T-I-C-K method for “whole body sex.”

This is a variation of progressive “sensate focus” for gradually increasing arousal. Couples may choose to alternate this suggested sequence of sensual activities or combine some of these steps:

S - Stroke each other psychologically. Almost everyone needs to be stroked. Start with verbal expressions of what you admire most about each other and what attracts you to each other intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

T - Touch each other physically, starting with a hug, whether clothed or not. Proceed to mutual massages, front and back, gradually progressing from your shoulders to your waist, avoiding your partner’s breasts. Then proceed to touch or massage each other’s legs before gently caressing erogenous zones like each other’s breasts, thighs and genitals.

I - Intercourse can be attempted right after “stroking” and touching, or later if you are “up” for it, – but don’t rush it! Many men, including early stage and advanced prostate or breast cancer patients and survivors, may find their sexual frustration persists despite the satisfaction they can derive from whole body alternative sex play. If ED or FSD persists, the couple can consider a “soft entry” approach, with the man’s flaccid penis rubbing the surface of his partner’s genitalia. Using a dildo and harness can also be mutually satisfying, and if both partners apply lubrication both men and women can make this a more pleasant and pleasurable experience. A penile implant, requiring about 1 1⁄2 hours of surgery, is another option for men to eliminate ED altogether.

C - Cuddle without initial expectations of anything but deriving warmth and support, physically and emotionally.

K - Kiss each other gently on the lips, cheeks, and back. Then go below the neck, but above the waist. From there, your lips can go elsewhere, if mutually acceptable (compare “T”). Adding a mixture of whipped cream or your favorite chocolate can heighten your pleasure.

3.    Communicate openly and often with your spouse or partner.

Be truly present when talking with your beloved about non-sexual matters. After all, you can have smooth, ongoing relations only if you have a good relationship! Set aside time to talk with your spouse or partner about your personal needs, especially sexual intimacy. If talking explicitly about sex is awkward for either of you, you can each write down what you need or want from each other and then compare notes and follow up.

Explore alternatives as well like tantric sex exercises, originally derived from 6,000 year-old Indian practices that help lovers focus on each other for a prolonged time. This involves mutual eye contact and parallel movement and breathing, to become fully present and at one with each other and potentially multi-orgasmic. Attending a Marriage Enrichment weekend retreat can also reinforce your connection with your significant other on many levels.

4.      Schedule times to rev up your romance.

Sexual relations are hard to sustain without developing a good relationship. Set dates with each other to allow for greater non-sexual intimacy, such as seeing a movie or going to a restaurant or concert together. Use scented candles and wear special pajamas or lingerie (or nothing at all!) with soft lighting, to set the mood for increased physical intimacy.

5.      Watch a “hot” movie together that appeals to your sense of humor.

Agree to rent a “steamy” film for home or hotel room viewing to help get you and your partner in the mood to become physical. Make sure you do not choose a film that is going to turn one of you on, but the other off, and remember that a humorous show  can warm you up to each other! Keep in mind that some educational films, though approved by sexologists, may be boring and fail to arouse couples, so preview films to see what works best for you.

6.      Develop a healthy lifestyle.

Exercise regularly and eat a balanced, heart-healthy, low-sugar diet for weight control and improved sleep. Reduce alcohol intake to avoid sluggishness and eliminate smoking to enhance genital blood flow. Such steps can renew your level of energy and reduce performance anxiety. Let your mantra be, “I enjoy my sexercises,” to maintain penile or vaginal blood flow through self or mutual-stimulation. Start this as soon as possible after a health procedure such as cancer surgery or other procedures, in consultation with your doctor.

Daily Kegel exercises, with the help of biofeedback if needed, can strengthen your pelvic floor and sphincter muscles. While these won’t raise your libido, Kegels can help with ED and FSD. They will also help “stem the tide” for those with mild incontinence.

7.      Keep the faith.

To conquer ED or FSD and raise your libido, have faith in your Higher Power, your doctor, your spouse, and above all, yourself. Regarding sexual activity as sacred or purposeful can make for a more powerful experience.

Still it’s important to recognize that stress, treatment side effects, and the aging process can affect not only seniors but boomers and younger men and women as well. Simply knowing you are not alone in your efforts to renew your life physically, emotionally and spiritually can help. It’s equally important, though, to realize that you can bounce back from ED/FSD and a low libido if you resolve to rely on your resilience and your adaptability to new forms of sexual expression. This kind of faith can raise you to new heights!

Learn More

For a more in-depth look at these issues, check out Rabbi Ed’s new eBook, Reigniting Intimacy and Sexuality after You’re Ill, available for just $4.99 in PDF format at http://bit.ly/ReigniteIntimacy2 and in Kindle format at http://amzn.to/JreTCN. Other eBook formats are available on Smashwords at http://bit.ly/RenewIntimacy.

Rabbi Ed is the author of two top award-winning books: Conquer Prostate Cancer: How Medicine, Faith, Love and Sex Can Renew Your Life, and Reigniting Intimacy and Sexuality after You’re Ill. For helpful articles and resources visit www.ConquerProstateCancer.com and www.LovingAfterCancer.com

Graduating To A Better You

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POSTED ON: May 13 2013  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Adult Toys & Games, Aphrodisiacs, Better Sex, Boundaries & Taboos, Communication, Couples Enrichment, Dating, Disabilities & Intimacy, Erotic Talk, Fantasies & Role Playing, Flirting, Foreplay, Intimacy, Love, Loveology University, Pleasing a Man, Pleasing a Woman
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Here we are in the middle of graduation season! As you watch these young men and women embark on the next chapter of their lives, you have the opportunity to utilize the same symbolism for yourself. While it may have been years since you’ve been in a cap and gown, education never stops and this time of year is a reminder to look back on what has been accomplished while taking the necessary steps to move forward.

A relationship is certainly an education. One with a series of tests, extensive research, the roles of teacher and student, unexpected courses in math, science, biology, chemistry, history, speech, writing, sex ed and, hopefully, a bit of recess! You may not be able to march across a stage to receive a diploma and the applause of an audience acknowledging the accomplishments of relationships, but you are still able to incorporate some of the key elements of graduation into your personal growth.

REFLECTION

We are a world built on momentum that is constantly reaching forward. We rarely take the time to examine the past and the amazing things we have accomplished so far. Take some time to look at the life you have created for yourself. Really see it. Don’t focus on the things that you want to change but allow yourself instead to see what you have done that is incredible. Think about your life’s story and imagine that you are hearing it as if it belongs to someone else. What parts of the story excite you, thrill you, astonish you with their bravery, leave you in awe of our hero? Well, the hero of this story is you. Embrace that.

GRATITUDE

While reflecting, extend gratitude to those that have given your life its color. Maybe this will inspire you to reach out to an old friend. Maybe you will do something unexpected and kind for a neighbor or colleague. Maybe you will sit down with your partner, take their hands and express your gratitude for all the gifts they have brought into your life. Or maybe you will just sit with their image in your mind and love in your heart. Genuine gratitude is an incredible thing to give to another person but it is equally important to give it to ourselves. Take a moment to look in the mirror and see yourself fully and without apology. The person you see is the single most important relationship in your life. Say “thank you.”

FORGIVENESS

One of the single hardest things in life to do is to forgive. It is also one of the single most important things you can do for your own well-being. Forgiveness does not let those that have hurt us off the hook as much as it lets us off our own hook. As Lewis B. Smedes says, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” And perhaps even more challenging than trying to forgive another is making the choice to forgive yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes. That is one of the prices of living. But that is also one of life’s gifts because our mistakes give us character, give us humility, and they give us humor. You are not your mistakes, you are how you let your errors define you. Without mistakes there can be no forgiveness and without forgiveness there can be no love!

NEW GOALS

This is the time to think about what you would like to do next. How do you want to live your life and how do you want your relationships to evolve? A graduating senior must choose whether to continue their education, join the work force, take a sabbatical, settle down or party on. As a student of life, what would you next like to do or learn? Make some new goals. Sure, you can make them epic “bucket list” goals like visit Bora Bora, learn to speak Mandarin, or compete in a triathlon. But find some simple goals as well. Get out of bed 30 minutes earlier. Put down the TV remote and read a book. Learn about one of your partner’s hobbies and surprise them with a gift that shows you support their own goals.

One of the great gifts to give a graduating senior of any age is the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh The Places You’ll Go.” It’s a sweet and whimsical tale filled with reminders of what a great adventure living can be. So as you journey on into the next chapter of your life, I give this great quote from the book, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”

Make Mother’s Day Mindful

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POSTED ON: May 03 2013  • 
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CATEGORIES:  Adult Toys & Games, Aphrodisiacs, Better Sex, Boundaries & Taboos, Communication, Couples Enrichment, Eroticism, Foreplay, Holiday & Gift Ideas, Intimacy, Love, Pleasing a Woman, Power Play
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Calling all mothers to take control and make your special day mindful and memorable by planning it yourself in advance. With all the responsibilities you juggle, you deserve to take the day off from giving to others so that you can focus on taking care of your mind and body. It’s time for you to give to yourself generously and mindfully. Celebrate your special day your way and accept that you are worthy of receiving all the pleasures the world has to offer.

Here are 12 gifts to give yourself that will empower you to feel more confident, secure, liberated and fulfilled.

  1. Begin by treating yourself as if you are the madly in love with you. Write a love letter to yourself and list all the things that make you loveable including your positive physical features, behaviors and personality traits.
  2. Put your order in for Mother’s Day breakfast in bed, but be specific about the time and the menu, otherwise your partner or children may just serve you cold cereal at the crack of dawn.
  3. Relax in a bubble bath with rose petals in the water while listening to your favorite music and let your mind wonder to your own scenic paradise.  If you prefer to take a romantic bath with your partner, tell them to wash and dry you, since you are the receiver of pleasure today.
  4. Unleash your feminine power by dressing in something that makes you feel as good as you can about yourself, whether it’s a designer dress with stilettos, jeans with a sexy tee and cowboy boots, or a flowing gypsy skirt with sandals and blouse. When you feel self-assured, others will perceive you as confident.
  5. Love yourself enough for some well-deserved pampering by treating yourself to a skin care treatment, hair coloring, cutting or styling, makeup application, therapeutic massage, intimate waxing, brow shaping or coloring, manicure and/or a pedicure.
  6. Give in to temptation and indulge in your favorite cravings, even if it’s a high calorie red velvet cupcake, peanut butter ice cream, chocolate fudge cake, caramel popcorn, cheesecake, box of gourmet chocolates, milkshake or some awesome cheeses with French bread. It’s okay to give in and satisfy yourself with yummy treats on your special day without any feelings of guilt.
  7. Reward yourself by buying some new lingerie and negligees. Be sure to have a variety to fit your every mood from an elegant chemise, naughty baby doll, sexy teddy, daring thongs, strapless bra, plunge bra or under-wire push-up bra. Wearing sexy lingerie under everyday clothes can put you in a juicy state of mind and boost your confidence.
  8. If you have read Fifty Shades of Grey, then you know that it took the world by storm, selling more than 70 million copies, topping best-seller lists. You can bring the fun of the writing to your very own bedroom with the help of a Shades of Grey Kit thoughtfully put together by The Experience Channel. There is FREE shipping on all products including adult toys and lingerie until Mothers Day.  No Minimums purchase required at at http://www.theexperiencechannel.com/
  9. Meditation and creative visualization allows your mind and body to de-stress and re-energize so that you feel more balanced. Integrate breathing as an exercise as you exhale any negative energy and inhale positive energy for an overall sense of exhilaration.
  10. Every woman has her own signature scent, so treat yourself to a bottle of your favorite perfume or try a new fragrance that fits your personality. Have fun exploring different types of scents from floral, fruity, spicy, woody to musky by dabbing a drop on your pulse points behind your ears or on the wrists.
  11. Dining options on Mother’s Day range from scrumptious buffets to candlelight dinners, but restaurants get booked up in advance so make sure that you choose a place that serves a truly memorable meal that you didn’t have to prepare.
  12. Have fun doing something you haven’t done in a long time or ever. You are in control of your itinerary, so make it good and don’t make excuses. If you want to go to a theater, a winery, nature walk, the beach or a boat ride, state your desires to your family and let them know that you have made arrangements to make this Mother’s Day the most mindful and memorable.

This is a great lesson in giving and receiving to yourself because you are worthy of pleasure all the time, not just on Mother’s Day.