NeuroLoveology, I have decided is the blending of neuroscience and love, which offers practical applications of brain functioning to heighten intimacy. After all, love should be a priority in our lives, even with so many daily distractions which can prevent us from connecting. We must find ways to get our mind and body ready, willing and able to give and receive love.

One study showed that people on average hold a thought for only 10 seconds before flitting off to something else. Trey Hedden and John Gabrieli, two neuroscientists from MIT studied what happens in the brain when people are distracted by internal thoughts and found that lapses in attention impair performance. I’m sure that would include sexual performance. But there is a way to reshape our brain according to Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, who writes that  whenever we connect face-to-face, voice-to-voice or skin-to-skin with someone else, our social brains interlock.

A study by research psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Schwarz showed that changing the way you pay attention can change the circuitry of the brain not just over months, but even within a few weeks, enough to show up on a brain scan.

Attention itself changes the brain. The power is on the focus. Cells that fire together wire together. It’s called Neuroplasticity and in a bestselling book, The Brain That Changes Itself, author Professor Norman Doidge wrote that learning a new language for example is relatively easy; its just that you have to stop paying attention to your current language to create the new circuits. That’s why moving to France is the fastest way of learning to speak French – your attention is forced there all day long.

Let’s use the same analogy with our intimate relationship…

There are 3 key components to facilitate such change in the brain:

1. Create a safe non-judgmental environment (with reward for the brain, such as improving communication, positive reward of praise, compliments, appreciation, recognition, more romance and sex)
2. Focus attention in the right way to create new connections (an effective way to focus attention is simply to ask your partner the right question, to give them a gap to close. The brain is quite happy closing any gap as long as it doesn’t take too much effort. For example, “What is one thing that I have done that has satisfied you in the past?” or “How would you like me to express my love to you?” or “What would it take for us to have more intimacy?” These questions can help couples to arrive at their own insights. Alternatively, you can set goals by focusing on the positive emotions you want to feel when you have reached them, such as being loved, appreciated, validated, cherished, admired and desired.
3. Keep any new circuits alive by coming back to pay attention over and over again. Real change requires repetition and even though attention changes the brain, the brain pays attention to a lot of things. When you make a promise to another person to do something, it comes into your mind more often, when you write it down, you pay more attention to it than speaking about it casually. David Rock who wrote Your Brain At Work has a great metaphor for making changes to your brain. Think of the brain as a garden, where it’s sunny all the time and rains naturally once in a while. If you want to grow some nice tomatoes, you first plant seeds, which need careful daily watering. Once the plants are a bit hardy, to keep them growing, you should water them regularly. How often is the right amount? If you water once a year, it will probably wash everything away. Once a quarter won’t do much. Once a month will help, maybe. Once a week does make a difference to some plants, but watering twice a week seems to make a sustainable and noticeable difference. It seems the best technique for growing plants is to water them each day. I propose that creating healthy new circuits in the brain is not dissimilar. You need to pay regular attention to your plants and to your relationship if you want it to thrive.